She put on the music, slow jam, slowed down as she
Stretched on the couch, legs curled, stretched again
Stretched my imagination, couches, aren’t they meant for two?
Hers had new covers, curtains on order, matched to woo?
“My sis is in town, won’t be coming tonight” she’d said to me
“My house is small, any vacant ones in your neighborhood?”
This Babe should move to my pad. I’d said to me self as I
Stretched my lump on her other couch, her head nearby
Her hairdo, still fresh, needed a massage. She did that well
My eyes followed her hand from her forehead to the nape
“You need an oil massage” I said, hiding things on my mind
“They burnt my scalp, should do a retouch” she whined
Thump, Boom, Thump Boom thump! The subwoofer sought
The footsteps of my heart; Found them. Boom, Thump Boom!
That’s my blood pumping. To my dizzy head? I wonder!
My blood is headed south, my lower limbs now in disorder
Words of wisdom come to me I prayed. Be a gentleman I urged
My weakened body on the couch as she'd said “it’s still early”
Replying to my suggestion that I drive home to lay my load
A good answer perhaps as traffic had been heavy on the road
Thump, Boom, Thump Boom thump! The subwoofer sought
The footsteps of my heart; Found them. Again, Thump Boom!
My blood now filled my lower end and only past experience
Helped me, crawl out of the couch, away from dear sexperience
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.
OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Adapted from Relationships Jokes and Humor
A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.
OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Adapted from Relationships Jokes and Humor
Monday, October 8, 2007
Euphoria Oranges and Reds
Sato 6th October 7: am Left my Pad for town to pick up my costo visitorShe’d sent an SMS . . . am coming into townFor the last three days I’d wondered, just like her, whether it was good or bad that she came over to see me. We both knew that it was no just to see me. It was decision timeTo take our friendship a notch higher or Lower. That would depend on yet to be determined scale
7:20 am Haileselassie AvenueNairobi is slowly turning into an orange Glow . . . from above the rising sun is late as it happens to be OctoberBelow the skies orange clad youths scatter leaflets with gruesome pictures of a dead female, with highlighted text urging the reader not to vote for a government that encourages “extra judicial killings”. . . motivation “oscarfoundation.org” . . I wondered why one must look for extraneous political issues when there’s so much to see that is wrong with the current govt. Why not concentrate on issues that are clearly evident like the lack of a constitution, corruption. Sorry we've had that again and again may be the images of bullet ridden will create a euphoric wave of hatred for Kibaki.
7:30 am at Steers Mombasa Road.
Am at the wrong restaurant. I should have gone to pick her up at Nandos. She said that rather nicely on Phone. At Nandos I noticed that she carried a small convenient night bag. I was hungry so I suggested breakfast. . . did she hear and ignore me? can't tell. We drove off to the Orange town. By now the Orange was the dominant colour in Tao. Mathrees and Hopas not Excluded. The youths were more vocal now as they chanted Hammer (hummer?) slogans in praise of their soon coming king. I noticed that the street boys amongst them had Orange t-shirts too. Found it funny that they were already dirty! Who cared as long as they spread the word. "Raila Biro, Yao neo!" They occupied all lanes and the traffic police had it rough and vehicles fared no better as there were no exit routes from the Maddening jam. If that didn't piss you off, you had to deal with a scary presence, a feeling that trouble could erupt any the moment those boys decided the future was economic gain and Nairobi is full of that in the wide glass displays of mobiles and other electronics. Yes you feel like peeing it off and my gal told she'd like to use the bathroom.
I drove away from the orange zones and counted many were closed signs on my favourite restaurants. "I could use the city council facilities, they are clean you know" that I didn't know. She heaped praise on the rehabilitated joints while I drove looking for any open restaurant. I once found myself in the orange zone once again at the GPO. "I'll use this one" she said and disappeared into the one near K&A. When she came back to the car she assured me that she's ok except for what she explained upset her. Near the loo door, she had met a lady nursing a big facial wound. Her conclusion was that it was a whore who ended up with a bad client. It was not all gloom for the loo attendants offered the whore a cup of tea. And she drank it, inside the loo. "don't be perturbed" My Coastarian said to me "the loos are clean" that I couldn't argue with coz am sure they would let me in the "ladies" So I thought I should get out of the car and walk into the "gents" round the building. However I noticed a "smoking Zone" sign and I was not exactly sure the smoke in the air was just from cigarettes. . . . The thought of tea in the loo came back to me and I was hungry so I suggested we take breakfast. I noticed concern in her eyes, aren’t we going home?
8:00. Breakfast at Kula Corner, Hurlingham
I noticed that the piped music was excellent and felt good. Unfortunately the Orange wave was bashing the environment in droves of overly crowded Matatus and other hired contraptions that were coming from Kibera and Kwangware the noise levels were deafening. We were here for breakfast so we got the B.E.S.T
This was going to be my first meal in 18 hours. I’d spent the evening and indeed the early morning hours at some joints that don’t serve solids. While at the joints I knew the trouble piling up for me would soon rear its ugly head. My costo friend had not confirmed her coming until she got into the bus at 10 pm. By then I was at Mamba and I was not alone. Had she confirmed, I would have prepared for her. Cleaning up my pad was the major issue here. That meant removing most of the contents from inside the house and onto the compound or further away. The contents were tents and other stuff one uses to decorate a wedding. In my case several weddings. Business not being so good in the month of October I had excess baggage that I’d stored in the house for fear it would disappear from the compound. Had I taken my costo gal seriously I would have chucked the junk into my car and taken it elsewhere. Mama taught me that when you expect visitors, you clean up your act. First and foremost, your house and compound.
Sato 10:15 AM
As I ate my last egg from the B.E.S.T. suite I thought of the ones in my Fridge.
Under normal circumstances, those are the ones we would be eating. I would have cooked. My pad was no longer operating under normal circumstances. It has become a Store, Garage in short non-user friendly especially for the fairer kind. A while ago It boasted of a fully equipped kitchen with a fully loaded fridge and pantry. A joy for the fairer sex. How I got compliments from them. That was then. Now Business dictates otherwise.
As we left for my house I rued the fact that I spent my precious time entertaining one I would not dare invite to my pad. What to do. A slight curve formed on my lips and My Coastarian noticed the infant smile. “What?” she asked “am happy you are coming home” I mumbled as I called my “blogger” ((Story elsewhere)) who said she was at Thika. I have no idea why I called her
Sato 10:30 Am
We made our way into the house. The front door opens into a kitchenette and a passage proceeds upstairs. I looked at her all the time as she scanned the junk. I failed to follow her eyes into the kitchen sink where I had left ample evidence of meals I’d cooked and served to either many people or to myself over and over again. I am sure she saw and reserved her judgement. The Staircase leads one through my “bedroom” and closet into the Living quarters. This was routine. What was not was the quiet nature she absorbed all she saw without uttering a word. Am used to “it’s a nice place” or even as one put it “reminds me of a video library” Perhaps to excuse her “lack of words” she said “I’d like to sleep”
To cut this long story short, she slept. So did I. We slept. Woke up in the evening and went “out” By the time we came back into the house we’d already been to my House at Home, to my parents, the Movies and to a wonderful Jazz performance (eyes on World Cup Rugby on TV) at the Nakumatt Prestige. I called my “blogger” and reported myself. Then we slept again. While the whole of Nairobi heard and saw ODM’s orange. My Coastarian was seeing her reds. I see no point in proceeding with this topic.
Sunday 10 am:
The Next day being Sunday, she had an opportunity to “confess” at mass. She’s Catholic. She insisted that she goes for mass. Since she was to leave for Mombasa with the 1 pm bus I offered Priestly service but she knew what she wanted. Trouble is, first she had to make breakfast in my jungle home. That’s when hell broke loose. Not exactly the way it normally breaks but I cackled and burst my lungs out as she fought her way downstairs and through the sludge in the sink just to come up with a cup of tea. She did all these things silently. And that’s where she got me. I knew my ratings were BAD. The grades were like none I’d scored in my previous tests. While at my House at Home she had been overcome by strong emotions and had to hold on to me. Said she then when I asked her wasup? “Am unable to bear the thought of this beautiful house having no owner” she’d continued to say “I now feel closer to you. You have a place I’d like to live in”
Back to my laughter. I was amused because I wondered whether my ratings would be based on the house at home or this pad we were in that was hardly homely” Of course she asked me why I was laughing. I was unable to explain and she took that badly. I took her to the Basilica as she requested. While she attended Mass I read my Sunday Paper and noticed the Euphoria that greeted the Orange luminaries. This made me wonder what Kenyans will use to judge their leaders. Will it be Euphoric Politic or sound judgement? My laughter overtook me again as I sat in the car. I knew I was doomed as far as judging went.
Sunday 12:45 pm:
After mass it was time for her to leave back for her Coastal habitats and I put her on her Bus and headed back to my pad to laugh some more. Thoughts of cleaning up the Pad filled my mind but laughter reigned
Sunday 14:30 pm:
More Laughter but when reality of loosing out in the impeding judgement struck me, I started wondering if I shouldn’t cry instead. While pondering on how this could be done, I received an SMS. “Are you available for a drink” it was the same duck that had helped me waste precious time on the eve of my Coastarian visit. I wanted to say no cause I had spent heavily over the weekend, including on her. As I wondered how to say no I found my phone calling her and my mouth said. “Sorry I can’t. Am Broke” my phone clearly said these words to my ear “no problem am buying”
Sunday 17:00
So I went to Alfajiri to meet my duck. On the way my lovely “blogger” returned my call and I confessed beyond her hearing ability “I need God!” My Duck spent on me and wanted to knock me out silly. So she made sure I was served a strong cocktail. When this didn’t work she spent some more. She noted with concern that I hadn’t taken a loo break yet I was still on my feet
Sunday 11:45 PM
Eventually she realised it was all in vain and she forked out good quid for the barman and we left for our pads. Before I slept I laughed one more time and how wished I could cry too.
7:20 am Haileselassie AvenueNairobi is slowly turning into an orange Glow . . . from above the rising sun is late as it happens to be OctoberBelow the skies orange clad youths scatter leaflets with gruesome pictures of a dead female, with highlighted text urging the reader not to vote for a government that encourages “extra judicial killings”. . . motivation “oscarfoundation.org” . . I wondered why one must look for extraneous political issues when there’s so much to see that is wrong with the current govt. Why not concentrate on issues that are clearly evident like the lack of a constitution, corruption. Sorry we've had that again and again may be the images of bullet ridden will create a euphoric wave of hatred for Kibaki.
7:30 am at Steers Mombasa Road.
Am at the wrong restaurant. I should have gone to pick her up at Nandos. She said that rather nicely on Phone. At Nandos I noticed that she carried a small convenient night bag. I was hungry so I suggested breakfast. . . did she hear and ignore me? can't tell. We drove off to the Orange town. By now the Orange was the dominant colour in Tao. Mathrees and Hopas not Excluded. The youths were more vocal now as they chanted Hammer (hummer?) slogans in praise of their soon coming king. I noticed that the street boys amongst them had Orange t-shirts too. Found it funny that they were already dirty! Who cared as long as they spread the word. "Raila Biro, Yao neo!" They occupied all lanes and the traffic police had it rough and vehicles fared no better as there were no exit routes from the Maddening jam. If that didn't piss you off, you had to deal with a scary presence, a feeling that trouble could erupt any the moment those boys decided the future was economic gain and Nairobi is full of that in the wide glass displays of mobiles and other electronics. Yes you feel like peeing it off and my gal told she'd like to use the bathroom.
I drove away from the orange zones and counted many were closed signs on my favourite restaurants. "I could use the city council facilities, they are clean you know" that I didn't know. She heaped praise on the rehabilitated joints while I drove looking for any open restaurant. I once found myself in the orange zone once again at the GPO. "I'll use this one" she said and disappeared into the one near K&A. When she came back to the car she assured me that she's ok except for what she explained upset her. Near the loo door, she had met a lady nursing a big facial wound. Her conclusion was that it was a whore who ended up with a bad client. It was not all gloom for the loo attendants offered the whore a cup of tea. And she drank it, inside the loo. "don't be perturbed" My Coastarian said to me "the loos are clean" that I couldn't argue with coz am sure they would let me in the "ladies" So I thought I should get out of the car and walk into the "gents" round the building. However I noticed a "smoking Zone" sign and I was not exactly sure the smoke in the air was just from cigarettes. . . . The thought of tea in the loo came back to me and I was hungry so I suggested we take breakfast. I noticed concern in her eyes, aren’t we going home?
8:00. Breakfast at Kula Corner, Hurlingham
I noticed that the piped music was excellent and felt good. Unfortunately the Orange wave was bashing the environment in droves of overly crowded Matatus and other hired contraptions that were coming from Kibera and Kwangware the noise levels were deafening. We were here for breakfast so we got the B.E.S.T
This was going to be my first meal in 18 hours. I’d spent the evening and indeed the early morning hours at some joints that don’t serve solids. While at the joints I knew the trouble piling up for me would soon rear its ugly head. My costo friend had not confirmed her coming until she got into the bus at 10 pm. By then I was at Mamba and I was not alone. Had she confirmed, I would have prepared for her. Cleaning up my pad was the major issue here. That meant removing most of the contents from inside the house and onto the compound or further away. The contents were tents and other stuff one uses to decorate a wedding. In my case several weddings. Business not being so good in the month of October I had excess baggage that I’d stored in the house for fear it would disappear from the compound. Had I taken my costo gal seriously I would have chucked the junk into my car and taken it elsewhere. Mama taught me that when you expect visitors, you clean up your act. First and foremost, your house and compound.
Sato 10:15 AM
As I ate my last egg from the B.E.S.T. suite I thought of the ones in my Fridge.
Under normal circumstances, those are the ones we would be eating. I would have cooked. My pad was no longer operating under normal circumstances. It has become a Store, Garage in short non-user friendly especially for the fairer kind. A while ago It boasted of a fully equipped kitchen with a fully loaded fridge and pantry. A joy for the fairer sex. How I got compliments from them. That was then. Now Business dictates otherwise.
As we left for my house I rued the fact that I spent my precious time entertaining one I would not dare invite to my pad. What to do. A slight curve formed on my lips and My Coastarian noticed the infant smile. “What?” she asked “am happy you are coming home” I mumbled as I called my “blogger” ((Story elsewhere)) who said she was at Thika. I have no idea why I called her
Sato 10:30 Am
We made our way into the house. The front door opens into a kitchenette and a passage proceeds upstairs. I looked at her all the time as she scanned the junk. I failed to follow her eyes into the kitchen sink where I had left ample evidence of meals I’d cooked and served to either many people or to myself over and over again. I am sure she saw and reserved her judgement. The Staircase leads one through my “bedroom” and closet into the Living quarters. This was routine. What was not was the quiet nature she absorbed all she saw without uttering a word. Am used to “it’s a nice place” or even as one put it “reminds me of a video library” Perhaps to excuse her “lack of words” she said “I’d like to sleep”
To cut this long story short, she slept. So did I. We slept. Woke up in the evening and went “out” By the time we came back into the house we’d already been to my House at Home, to my parents, the Movies and to a wonderful Jazz performance (eyes on World Cup Rugby on TV) at the Nakumatt Prestige. I called my “blogger” and reported myself. Then we slept again. While the whole of Nairobi heard and saw ODM’s orange. My Coastarian was seeing her reds. I see no point in proceeding with this topic.
Sunday 10 am:
The Next day being Sunday, she had an opportunity to “confess” at mass. She’s Catholic. She insisted that she goes for mass. Since she was to leave for Mombasa with the 1 pm bus I offered Priestly service but she knew what she wanted. Trouble is, first she had to make breakfast in my jungle home. That’s when hell broke loose. Not exactly the way it normally breaks but I cackled and burst my lungs out as she fought her way downstairs and through the sludge in the sink just to come up with a cup of tea. She did all these things silently. And that’s where she got me. I knew my ratings were BAD. The grades were like none I’d scored in my previous tests. While at my House at Home she had been overcome by strong emotions and had to hold on to me. Said she then when I asked her wasup? “Am unable to bear the thought of this beautiful house having no owner” she’d continued to say “I now feel closer to you. You have a place I’d like to live in”
Back to my laughter. I was amused because I wondered whether my ratings would be based on the house at home or this pad we were in that was hardly homely” Of course she asked me why I was laughing. I was unable to explain and she took that badly. I took her to the Basilica as she requested. While she attended Mass I read my Sunday Paper and noticed the Euphoria that greeted the Orange luminaries. This made me wonder what Kenyans will use to judge their leaders. Will it be Euphoric Politic or sound judgement? My laughter overtook me again as I sat in the car. I knew I was doomed as far as judging went.
Sunday 12:45 pm:
After mass it was time for her to leave back for her Coastal habitats and I put her on her Bus and headed back to my pad to laugh some more. Thoughts of cleaning up the Pad filled my mind but laughter reigned
Sunday 14:30 pm:
More Laughter but when reality of loosing out in the impeding judgement struck me, I started wondering if I shouldn’t cry instead. While pondering on how this could be done, I received an SMS. “Are you available for a drink” it was the same duck that had helped me waste precious time on the eve of my Coastarian visit. I wanted to say no cause I had spent heavily over the weekend, including on her. As I wondered how to say no I found my phone calling her and my mouth said. “Sorry I can’t. Am Broke” my phone clearly said these words to my ear “no problem am buying”
Sunday 17:00
So I went to Alfajiri to meet my duck. On the way my lovely “blogger” returned my call and I confessed beyond her hearing ability “I need God!” My Duck spent on me and wanted to knock me out silly. So she made sure I was served a strong cocktail. When this didn’t work she spent some more. She noted with concern that I hadn’t taken a loo break yet I was still on my feet
Sunday 11:45 PM
Eventually she realised it was all in vain and she forked out good quid for the barman and we left for our pads. Before I slept I laughed one more time and how wished I could cry too.
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